Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, August 9, 2008

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I'm addicted to porn.

I am addicted to porn. I mean, ADDICTED. I am sure most people look at porn occasionally. Internet makes everything so accessible. But I have to look at porn every day to get off, and if something gets in the way of me being able to do so, it destroys my mood for the whole day. i had some friends staying over in my apartment for a week recently, and because they were staying in the room my computer was in, I couldn't get off the entire time. It was terrible, and I am sure I behaved really resentfully. Another part of this problem is that I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it. I don't know any other women who are open about the fact that they watch porn, so I cannot talk to my girlfriends about it. And I am sure most men I know would wonder why I think I have a problem. But I can't get off without it and have lost interest in the real thing. Help!

Queen of the Net

Santa Fe, NM

Dear Queen of the Net~ I sympathize, my dear. As a veteran porn lover myself, I know that we walk a thin line between quenching a thirst and going on a 2 week bender. Like with any addiction, it is not how much porn you watch, but your relationship to the porn that makes you an addict. Just watching lots of porn is not necessarily an indicator of a problem (except for, in some cases, boredom). The fact that you need to watch porn every day or otherwise you have difficulty functioning, the fact that you cannot feel sexually satisfied without porn and that you have lost interest in the flesh version of sex...these are all indicators that you are, indeed, in need of help.

Porn addiction is very real, but fortunately there are a number of ways of dealing with it. You could attempt to quit cold turkey (if you have regular access to internet at a workplace, you could discontinue internet service in your home, or place blocks on certain websites so that you can no longer access them); you could join a local group to get the support of other people who are dealing with this issue (like Alcoholics Anonymous, there are anonymous groups for Sex Addicts - porn addiction is generally considered a type of sexual addiction); or if you can afford it, you can see a counselor who specializes in working with folks who are struggling with addiction.

All of these are very real and valid options. I would also strongly recommend picking one or two trusted friends and letting them know that you have a problem with porn. It is incredibly difficult to break the cycle of addiction without the support of people in your community. Obviously you should choose carefully - your friends who are compassionate, nonjudgmental, loyal and honest with you are the appropriate choice.

Begin this process today. There are few feelings more difficult to endure than shame, and shame is the resounding emotion felt by addicts, no matter what the substance. Sex is a beautiful and natural aspect of human life that is to be celebrated. If you are at a point where this is not your experience of sex, get the help you need and deserve. Good luck!

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!

2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.

3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!

4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.