Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, August 2, 2008

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Should I tell my partner I cheated?

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Dear Sex Goddess - I have been dating the same woman for 3 years. About 1 year ago, when we were going through a difficult period, I cheated on her. I got really drunk at a party and got intimate with a close friend of mine. We didn't have sex, and we never spoke of it afterwards, but it weighs on me pretty heavily. Now, my girlfriend and I are about to take our relationship to the next level - we are having a commitment ceremony with our friends and family present. I feel that before we go through this, I should tell her about what happened. But I am terrified of how she will react, terrified that she will not want to commit to me (or, for that matter, be with me at all). Maybe what has passed is past, and it's not worth the pain it will cause. I just don't know. Help!

Needing Psychological Relief

Austin, TX

Dear Needing Psychological Relief ~ Tell her. Tell her because she has the right to know that you cheated on her. Tell her because she has the right to know that your relationship with one of your friends is more complicated than it appears. Tell her because the psychological burden of keeping this kind of a secret from your partner is not only harmful to you, but harmful to the relationship. Tell her because deciding to commit yourself to someone is an act of love and openness and honesty and healing, and your ability to enter into this fully will be marred by your secret. Tell her because you made a mistake and it is important that she learns about it from you.

Tell her because it is her history too.

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!

2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.

3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!

4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.