Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, July 19, 2008

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Does sex play reinforce oppression?

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Dear Sex Goddess- My current sexual partner is male-bodied, and he is interested in trying some bondage and S&M in the bedroom. I am also interested, but worried about whether or not this would be anti-liberatory and anti-feminist. What do you think?

Is It Ok to Spank?

Kansas City

Dear Is It Ok to Spank~ Hmmm...is letting your male-bodied partner spank you reinforcing a culture of male dominance and the idea that violence against women, while wrong and disturbing, is still somehow natural and condoned?

There is no correct answer to the above question. But your situation raises several other questions that are probably more important to answer when considering bondage or S&M:

-Do you trust your partner enough to let him tie you up? Does he trust you enough to let you tie him up?

-Do you feel comfortable and capable of setting boundaries around your physical pain threshold?

-Do you understand why your partner is interested in bondage and S&M? Do you understand where your own interest comes from?

Unquestionably, what happens between you and your partner in the bedroom has political content, but in my opinion this has less immediate importance than whether or not it feels safe (while acknowledging that our politics influence our sense of what is safe and unsafe, and vice versa). Anyone who has had sex can attest to how closely aligned are the experiences of pain and pleasure. Seen in that light, consensual pain for the sake of getting off makes a lot of sense. There is no reason not to experiment.

Sometimes we all have to step back from our political critique and examine whether or not it is holding us hostage. If being able to experiment sexually in an environment of openness and non-judgment with my partner can be interpreted as a liberating and feminist act, then perhaps the political critique of what is anti-liberatory and anti-feminist could use an update. My point is, if you are ready and it feels right, try it out. You can work out the politics after you have actually tried it.