Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, June 24, 2008

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This week: Problems in the fellatio department.

I'm having a bit of a "sex challenge" with my current partner. To be blunt, he's not too good at the oral sex. But he doesn't understand subtle hints about how to do it differently, either. I've tried to tell him the way I prefer it, but when I do he tells me that I need to relax, that I am too uptight to enjoy it. Personally, I think he's under the mistaken impression that because he also has a cock, he knows what works for every cock. But what he's doing ain't working for me. How can I help him get it right without hurting his feelings and ruining the moment? Help!

Challenged, Las Vegas

Dear Challenged,

Well, I see two separate issues at play here: 1) Your partner has a difficult time taking criticism. Hence his proclivity for interpreting his lack of skill as sexual inhibition on your part. Easy mistake. 2) You and your partner are challenged in communicating about your sex life. I could be way off, but it sounds like you've only tried to address the issue when he's got his head between your legs. That is a pretty vulnerable place for anyone, so chances are he is not going to be particularly open to correction - though he may be open to direction.

Instead of subtly hinting at what you want him to do, tell him firmly and directly what to do. When he gets it right, tell him that it feels good (affirmation goes a loooong way during sex). Its your cock and if he's going to put his mouth on it, he should be prepared for an earful. If you get my meaning.

Otherwise, conversations about problems in the bedroom (bathroom, kitchen, or front deck) are best had during less intimate moments, when both of you are feeling less vulnerable. Tell him that you'd like to talk about your sex life and set a date on which to do it. By setting a time to intentionally talk about it, you are letting him know that you take this subject seriously and he should too. In that conversation, explain to him that your needs are not being met in the fellatio department, and that you need him to listen and take seriously your desires. Approach the issue directly: confidently state your needs and how he can fulfill them. I would also recommend asking him if there are other ways you can talk to him in the heat and passion of the moment that will make him less defensive.

Above all, remember these two formulas:

Subtlety + Talking About Sex = Misunderstandings. Misunderstandings + Sex Itself = Sadness.

Good Luck!

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.