Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, June 6, 2008

• Comment Now
• Email
• Print
• Reprints
• Share

'I have a friend, who considers herself to be a great "white ally" to people of color, but her behavior and actions don't add up...'

Sincerely,
Afraid of the Great White Ally

Dear Afraid,

Whew. Been there. The Great White Ally is quite a beast to reckon with. There is so much good intention, and yet the follow through often ranges from shoddy to downright offensive. What makes the Great White Ally so difficult to reckon with is her ability -- by talking such a good game about her race, class, and privilege analysis -- to make it very difficult to confront her about her personal behavior.

The Great White Ally is easy to identify, if you know what to look for: does she collect friends of color like trophies? Does she frequently reference the "low-income communities of color" or "indigenous communities" who "raised" her? Does she often stand in the way of concrete organizing and action because she believes the group must process folks' identities, histories, and oppressions before anyone can feel safe? Does she idealize and exoticize people of color (POC) when they are not around, recalling their hilarious exploits amongst whites as the only POC willing to stick it to the man? Alas. Alack.

The Great White Ally must be confronted about her behavior. Why? Because she is actually a necessary member of the movement. At her best, she can do what POCs cannot -- spend a LOT of time talking to other white folks about how to be an effective white ally. But first she must learn how to be an effective white ally herself. She must realize that it is not about her ability to articulate a sexy race, class, and privilege analysis, but rather her ability to be generous with the time and resources her privilege affords. That it is not about her capacity for generating groundbreaking new projects in which white people and POC come together and destroy racism ONCE AND FOR ALL, but rather her capacity to work in solidarity with communities who are already breaking new ground without hijacking the project or the credit.

How to confront the Great White Ally? I recommend starting simply. Compassionately explain to her the effect of her behavior, as you have observed it. If you can, talk about its effect on you personally (using "I think" and "I feel" statements). For example: "When you insist on using action planning time to process issues of privilege and identity, I feel that it alienates individuals like myself who would otherwise be very interested in having those conversations, but feel that this is not the appropriate time and place." Be clear with her that you are not trying to be her therapist, but that you do feel that she can benefit from some critical feedback at this juncture in her life as an organizer. She may become defensive (even as she appears to be actively listening), but in the long run, she will be able to make better contributions to the organizing community as a whole. Down the road, she will thank you for it.

In the meantime, try to avoid guilty feelings about excluding her from your work. Her tendency to unintentionally disrupt or sabotage a political project is an urgent issue that cannot be ignored. If you sincerely desire to include her in the work, invite her to participate with a specific role in mind that maximizes her contribution and minimizes her opportunities to exert control over the group dynamic. Ultimately, that is how any white ally will work effectively on a political project led by people of color.

For more resources on the subject of Racism and White Ally work, I recommend the People's Institute for Survival and Beyond, who run the Undoing Racism Workshop and collectively have years of experience addressing issues of race and organizing. Good luck!

=======

Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.