Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, WireTap
Posted on May 2, 2008, Printed on November 20, 2008
http://www.wiretapmag.org/sex/43531/

Dear Sex Goddess,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, and in that time we have used condoms as our only form of birth control. Up until now, that hasn't been a problem. But in the last few cycles, my period has come late and it produces a huge amount of anxiety. Not just because babies are scary. Also, because while I really, really, really like my partner, I cannot even remotely see myself having kids with him. But I am also not sure I could have an abortion. I don't want to go on the Pill (was put on it briefly in high school and felt like a zombie), but I feel like it's my only option. I feel like my body is betraying me when I just want a normal cycle and a (relatively) normal sex life. Help!

Condoms-are-like-pasties-they-fall-off-sometimes,
NYC

Dear Condoms-are-like-pasties-they-fall-off-sometimes,

I feel you, girl! This is the predicament that almost universally faces conscious young women in our society: to Pill or not to Pill. For many of us, the Pill is presented as the only option for "controlling" our cycles -- not to mention the fact that its generally presented as "harmless." But in our increasingly environmentally conscious society, we know better. While the Pill affects every woman differently, the majority of women who stop using the Pill report experiencing one of the many unfortunate side effects of hormonal contraception: anxiety, depression, loss of libido (NO!!!!!!), aching boobies ... the list goes on (and gets a bit scarier). Check out the well-footnoted Wikipedia article on the Combined Oral Contraceptive Pill and Katherine Burnett-Watson's article "Is the Pill Playing Havoc With Your Mental Health?"

It begs the question: is there another way to have good sex responsibly, or did nature truly intend on the female body being either pregnant or shock treated with synthetic hormones at all times? 

The answer: yes, there is another way. The 20th century didn't invent birth control. And contrary to popular perception, women were not always pregnant prior to the netscape age. 

Let me first share a surprising and little known fact with you: the period is almost NEVER late, except in a rare number of cases. When you bleed is directly related to when you ovulate (ALERT: biological references being made). The length of time between ovulation (aka, when your body releases an egg that, if fertilized, can become a scary baby) and menstruation is almost always the same. So when you find that your cycles are longer than usual, it's usually not the bleeding that is delayed, but the ovulating. And there are a number of potential reasons for it. For instance, sometimes being under a lot of stress can delay ovulation. 

And now you're thinking, "Sex Goddess, you really are all-knowing." And that is true. BUT the facts above are no secret to those of us lucky enough to have been introduced to a practice called Fertility Awareness. You can learn it from a book or a class, and it's all about learning to read the signs your body naturally provides about what is going on inside. These signs can tell you when you can and can't get pregnant, as well as a whole bunch of other useful stuff about your body. There are two great books about Fertility Awareness. Check out Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, and The Garden of Fertility by Katie Singer. 

My advice: learn how to read your body and understand what factors are affecting your cycle so that in the future, you don't have to freak out, if your period is a day or two days late AND you can make informed decisions about when to have (very safe) sex with your boyfriend. You will experience less anxiety, you will have intimate knowledge about how your body works, and both of these things lead to better sex.

=======

Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.

Click here to access all of SG's sex and relationships wisdom.

© 2008 Wiretap Magazine. All rights reserved.
View this story online at: http://www.wiretapmag.org/sex/43531/